I saw death in your eyes, felt his presence, a cold breath on the back of my neck. There was no hope in your eyes, but neither was there despair. You were as you had always been, content to accept what was given. Life or death. It was out of your hands and were happy to leave it out of mine. You knew that I wasn’t ready, that there had been no time. Perhaps you were ready to surrender yourself to the arms of death, but I wasn’t. No matter what I had decided, no matter what we had talked about in the soft glow of the dying fire, I was not ready to say goodbye. Closing my eyes I shiver. I think there is someone out there, in the snow. Didn’t I just hear a laugh? Didn’t I just hear a sigh? Didn’t I just see the glow as they kissed? I am so weary. The years have weighed heavily on me. How long has it been, since that day I held you in my arms and watched those beautiful eyes close for the last time? How long? Today is Christmas Eve. It was the day we met and only four months later you. “I was happy with the way things were,” she said. “I thought everything was fine. Then he wanted to change it and I didn’t understand why.”“How did he want to change it?”“He wanted to get married.”“That’s a big change.”“He said it wasn’t. Just a formality. I felt like, well, if it’s just a formality, what’s the point? I didn’t like that. I felt like, almost like, it was a trick. ‘Oh, it’s no big deal.’ That seemed dishonest to me. So then do we live together? Do we have to start welding together the infrastructures? Establishing things jointly? He said, ‘Well, that would make the most sense.’ But it didn’t make sense to me.”“He didn’t give you any hints about this? Any idea that this was on his mind?”“None. I thought we were the way we were always going to be. I’ve always been very independent-minded, I’ve never been married before. He had been, once, and of the two of us, I would have thought he would be the one less inclined to do it again. We had a nice, steady situation. No.
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